The Wanted Alpha

Chapter 19 - Honesty

April

This time yesterday I had been sleeping in a shallow cavern just outside of the town. I had wanted to leave that morning to start heading north and I had needed supplies...that one simple want had led to this moment now, sitting in my mate's car, heading to his pack. If I had left that morning, if I'd ignored my hunger, I wouldn't have run into Ethan again. Who knows if I'd have ever seen him again? It was funny, hunger and a need to survive had led to my mate, twice. 

Fine, universe, I got the message loud and clear.

I didn't just want to survive anymore. I wanted to live. And looking over at my mate, I knew he was the only man that could give me a life I wanted. I had felt so scared when I felt his presence on that street, thinking he was there to capture me again and take me back to his pack. But then again, in a way, I suppose he was! Just not against my will. He had come to give me freedom, safety...and I hoped, love. He had already protected me in ways I hadn't even thought of, finding ways to keep eyes on us to keep me safe. I had wanted to kiss him in that hallway but that damn beeping had ruined the moment. And how he had shown his dominance in the hotel lobby had had my wolf practically wagging, showing her belly and had myself wanting to jump him. And I'm not quite sure humans being present would have stopped me. Barely a day around him and I already felt this daring boldness growing within me. I wondered if he felt any changes within him? Maybe trust, or the ability to let go of past fears? But this was exactly what I wanted to show him, how the mate bond could change us for the better.

We had been traveling for around an hour, having left the human towns far behind. I had traveled some of this route on foot and was now heading back through it once more. I hadn't truly appreciated the beauty the first time but now I would certainly savour it. The mountainous forests of the Appalachian trail were like no other I had seen, especially coated in fresh white snow. Ethan and I had been in a comfortable silence, simply holding hands across the centre console, his thumb drawing lazy circles on the back of my own. I had never felt this instantly at ease with someone. True, we had both held some form of trepidations based on our past fears at first, but we were putting that behind us. I had stolen a few glances of him, he looked so serene yet focused as he concentrated on the road in front of us. 

As I looked his way again I caught a small smirk form on his lips "I can see you staring, you know."

"I didn't realise I was meant to be subtle, I can stop if you want?" I tried to put on as innocent a face as I could while my head naturally inclined to the side.

He turned to look at me fully, his throat bobbing as he did so and eyes looking at though he was trying to work out something complex. I noticed I seemed to have this effect on him when I had teased him before. He returned his gaze to the road with a subtle pink hue to his cheeks making me proud of my ability to get under his skin.

"So I take it that's a 'no' then?" enjoying how the pink deepened and I could swear his eyes swirled black for a brief second.

After a few seconds he swallowed hard before speaking "can I ask you something? It's kinda personal but it's something I've been wondering about since you told me when you shifted for the first time."

"Okay?" 

I noticed his face flame again before he continued, whatever he wanted to ask was a little embarrassing and had me intrigued.

"Do you...have you...how have you kept your heat hidden all this time?" 

Oh, he wasn't kidding about it being personal. This might be a little embarrassing discussing my reproductive abilities or lack thereof to my mate, but this he deserved to know. I probably should've told him before he was so readily eager to accept me as his mate, as it was very possible I would be unable to give him a family...if that was what he wanted in his future.

"I haven't. Ethan, I don't know much about my situation except that it's kinda...unorthodox?" I sighed "I've never had a heat...I don't know if I can..or...you know...conceive…" I whispered the last part.

I felt my entire face and neck flame and found myself fascinated with the scene out of my window.

"I take it you've never seen anyone about it?" there was no disappointment in his voice, just curiosity.

"It was never an issue before, it was actually a benefit. I didn't have to worry about...gaining attention. It helped me hide. But now…" a sense of worry and dread settled in my stomach. 

What if he wanted children?

What if I couldn't give him what he wanted?

"Hey, it's ok" he gave me brief glances between concentrating on the road "if you want, I can take you to see a doctor at the hospital. Maybe they can shed some light on what's going on?"

I just hummed in agreement as I felt a heavy silence settle in the truck. The unspoken words practically clamoured around the small space.

If I couldn't give him pups, would he even want me?

It was strange. This was the very reason I had fought desperately to escape Monkshood Moon, to escape Alpha Nicholas and Hunter. Back then I hadn't known which I was more scared of, being used as a breeder...or what they would do to me if they found I couldn't.

But now...this was different. If my mate and I had pups, it wouldn't be against my will. It would be because we wanted them. And now I had my fated mate...I truly couldn't stand the thought of this standing between us.

His hand tightened on my own, instilling a quiet reassurance "April, you really don't need to worry. I want you no matter what, sweet" he flashed me a warm smile and kissed the back of my hand.

My heart felt so full at his words. They weren't meaningless, he wasn't just giving me false hope. He truly meant it. 

I had to remind myself that I had only known Ethan, really known him, for a day. But in that one day I had felt our mate bond grow beyond what I could have hoped for in the two months of our meeting. We still had many things to learn about one another and I for one couldn't wait to discover every single thing about him.

The weight that had settled over me started to melt away.

We still had several hours of traveling yet to go and I wanted to know more of his pack. From what I had experienced, albeit incredibly limited, I could tell that how Ethan led his pack was through compassion and principled honour. For a pack that resided in a small state, it was quite an impressive size and encompassed three small towns. I hadn't realised how near to the coast it lay and he promised to take me there when the seasons changed. I had never spent the day at the beach, for obvious reasons and the idea of being able to stroll along the sand with him had me eager for spring to arrive. I asked if he had any wiccans or vampires living in his pack. Ever since Greer had mentioned them that day in the rec yard of the prison, had me thinking about them more, wanting to meet one. While they had none living in the pack, he spoke of a small Family of wiccans a few hours to the north of White Tree that they bought small batches of vegetables off from time to time. He had only met a vampire once at an Alpha meeting at his home when he was a young boy. A Gamma from a pack in Oregon had taken a female vampire as his mate. He had said that she was incredibly kind and had sneaked him sweets.

He spoke of how he trained his warriors and he certainly wasn't lying on how hard he pushed them, it had me slightly nervous on how I would ever catch up to their level of skill. I may have knocked out a few guards and initially escaped those three patrols but that was simply through the element of surprise and my unique ability to suppress my scent indefinitely. I had never trained in a pack, or much in general, but I was definitely eager to catch up, I wondered how I'd fare in a real head-on match. He also mentioned about some security updates that had been made to the pack and that once I was settled he would get me in the system so I could access anything I needed. I would need my fingerprints scanned and even my eyes for the higher security areas, he was certainly not taking the defence of his pack lightly.

"Was this because I escaped?" I asked, a little sheepishly.

He smiled a little "sorta, I'd been thinking about updating them for the last few months. You were definitely a catalyst though. I must've watched that footage a hundred times. How you moved? It was insane" he still had that awed look on his face from when he spoke of my escape the first time.

"I just had surprise on my side, that's all. I definitely wouldn't have been able to take your guys straight on."

"You really shouldn't sell yourself short, some of my top warriors can't move that fast. They're gonna love training with you, they'll probably even be a little jealous" his smile deepened, revealing those dimples I was beginning to love.

"As long as I don't have to deal with many jealous she-wolves for snagging the Alpha" I laughed, but stopped immediately when I noticed the frown set deeply into his face.

He kept his gaze on the road but I felt that slight pain I sensed from him before, his eyes seemed to flash with shame.

"Ethan? I didn't mean anything by it, I really don't care about any of that" I tried to place my hand on his arm to comfort him but he shrugged me off, making my heart feel constricted.

"Fuck, I should have told you this last night...but we talked about a lot of painful things, I...fuck, I should've just said" he pulled over to the side of the tree lined road, turning the ignition off and turned to face me fully. 

"When I said I was in a pretty dark place after my dad...and Maria...it's a bit of an understatement" he swallowed heavily before continuing "I did some very questionable things in those months before I got help. Some of it I don't really remember, what I do remember...is pretty bad."

He looked away out of the window, but I held his hand tight for him to continue.

"I hated that I mourned Maria. I hated that I couldn't feel anything else other than devastation. I despised that woman, she took everything from me and because I fell for her lies and let her mark me, the bond made me grieve over her death. The only person I wanted to grieve over was my dad, I missed him, but she eclipsed everything and I just wanted to be free of her."

I felt my eyes sting as I tried to hold back my tears and my wolf howled for the pain she felt from our mate. The mate bond really could be a double edged sword. A chosen bond wasn't as strong as a fated bond but it was still strong enough to tear a person's soul apart. I couldn't even imagine how it must feel to be forced to mourn a person you hated. Even though the mark was gone from his neck, he still carried the deep scar she had caused. I could already feel that our bond was healing that scar, but it would still take time.

"I got into a few fights, mainly with humans outside the pack. I started drinking a lot. And when that stopped working I...I did drugs. I started sleeping around, with a lot of women. I already told you Maria was my first, but after her, sex just felt pointless. It made me wonder why I bothered to save myself. I messed around hoping one of them would just make it feel like it meant something again. I don't even remember some of them...goddess, I sound like such a douchebag" he said, leaning his head back on the window with his eyes rimming red.

"It's ok, Ethan" I cooed, sliding across the centre console to sit in his lap "I understand. It doesn't change me wanting to come back with you...or wanting you" I looked into his eyes, feeling the air crackle around us.

I moved first, sealing his lips with my own, savouring his taste. My hips rocked against his, desperately seeking out friction and relief from the throbbing I felt. I could feel the bulge beneath me grow and I released a satisfied growl as my tongue lapped against his own. I broke us apart in need of air and was surprised at my own boldness. Ethan looked as though he was coming out of a stupor.

I tilted my head to the side, giving him my best doe-eyed look, this seemed to be something he always reacted to "tell me, did that mean something to you?"

He swallowed hard, nodding. I could still feel the huge bulge pressed against me.

"Then that's all I care about" I whispered as I kissed him deeply again.

August hummed in agreement, both of us experiencing a huge wave of possessiveness over our male. He was ours now and we were his. No wolf would be changing that.

Chapter 20 - The Wanted Alpha